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15 December 2009
Ella Returns!
Remember Ella, from this summer? She and I picked up and went to the Florida Moonshine party on a whim, and had the absolute time of our lives. Anywho, she was in the area, and we're having a blast catching up on life. It's been too long! :-D
Yes, Todd, that IS Spankopoly! You can find the details of Ella and I's trip to Florida in my June archives.
14 December 2009
The Beauty
I have so incredibly much that I could say about the beauty of submission. It's. . . . . an astounding, magical experience, and not one easily put into words. Tonight, though, I'm tired, and don't know how well I could track the thoughts, as most of it is a gleefully glowing feeling, and the words aren't coming readily. Instead, I'm going to share a quote. . . . .
The only thing that I will add is that the joy isn't often known. I had no idea the simple, glowing pleasure that comes, and grows, of submission, and the frustration and pain that comes of straying from the path. Perhaps, tomorrow, I'll have a bit more to say about the matter. :-)
"The beauty of submission lies not in the kneeling before another, to give one's body, or in the wearing of a collar. The beauty of submission can only be found in the heart of one who gives her love freely, knowing what joy and pain will come from it." --Roguer
The only thing that I will add is that the joy isn't often known. I had no idea the simple, glowing pleasure that comes, and grows, of submission, and the frustration and pain that comes of straying from the path. Perhaps, tomorrow, I'll have a bit more to say about the matter. :-)
13 December 2009
But It's Bigger!
I found a quote yesterday that absolutely cracked me up, and one that I immediately had to share with KYOTKGUY.
"I love you with all of my butt. I'd say my heart, but my butt is bigger."
Laugh. It's funny. You know it.
12 December 2009
Pinned!
Sometimes, there just aren't words to describe the magic. . . . . KY came up yesterday, and, as I always do, I needed him, desperately. . . . . I was so incredibly psyched as soon as I saw him come around the corner. He was incredibly hands-on yesterday. Putting me here. Leading me here. Holding my wrists. Pinning my hands behind my back. Showing his strength. I have an absolutely insanely joyous memory from last night. . . . . . a brief moment of wrestling, and being pinned flat on my back, wrists above my head. I looked up into his eyes, and they were twinkling with a simple joy. I took pleasure in his hold, in his joy, in his strength. . . . . He looked at me.
"Whatcha gonna do about it?" With a joyful grin, I looked up into his eyes. I was perfectly relaxed within his hold as I pointed out the obvious. . . . . . . "We both know that you're stronger." The simple grin he gave me was one that I'll never forget. . . . . . "Yes, but sometimes, your mind needs to realize that, doesn't it?" Sheepishly, I responded. "Yes, Sir." He continued to pin me for a bit, and I felt completely at peace with his hold, at least, until he started aggravating me. . . . . *steadfastly announces* I'm NOT ticklish!
Later, I remember hearing his belt come off, and my stomach turning to ice as I tried to figure out how best to deal with the upcoming severity of pain. . . . . and failing miserably in the "dealing with" arena. I was (and am) exceptionally sleep deprived. . . . my ability to consciously think through things, and process emotional events, is severely limited. My only thought was getting away. . . . . . . and I used my flexibility to my advantage. (I have an ability to lay on my back, and sit my knees down, on the ground, above my shoulders, behind my ears.) I distinctly remember putting my hands on the bed, and somersaulting backwards, and coming to my knees to face him as I tried to get away. I was asked repeatedly. . . . . "What do you think you're doing, fighting me like that?????" I didn't have an answer. I couldn't process how anything else could be logical. . . . . . I couldn't handle it; I needed away. Seemed fairly simple to me. . . . . And then, I was slung across his knee. My ability to get away was nil as I was securely tucked against his torso. That's when the thought came to me. . . . . . . He's not going to take me any place he doesn't have confidence in my ability to handle. My body might not truly be able to accept the level of pain that I was being expected to submit to. . . . . . but part of it was a mental panic, too. Part of it was me trying to figure out how I could possibly handle the pain. . . . . and realizing that I didn't have to handle anything.
As the night went on, other moments stand out. Sitting in the floor, playing a game, and laughing. Listening to him hum along with a song that I've noticed he REALLY likes. His hands on me, the random hugs, the feelings of closeness. The simple joy taken in each other's company.
And then. . . . . . . . a second session. I know that academically, I've taken far worse paddlings. I know that. . . . . . but at the same point in time, I can't remember any that seem more excruciating. I can't remember any that reduced me to a sobbing, screaming mess as quickly. . . . . . or any that had me fighting for (what seemed) my life, and my freedom. . . . . . Even pinned over his knee (where I know that I'm all but helpless), I made a last-ditch effort to get away from the pain. . . . . . . I rolled and tried to throw myself in the floor, and almost made it. . . . . . and then found myself flat picked up and pinned again. I wasn't able to lessen the fight, for it was instinctual, but I was able to enhance my acceptance of it. I knew that I deserved it, and that it was a lesson that I direly needed to learn, embrace, embody. . . . . but at the same point in time, I NEVER expected that intense of pain. *soft grin* Guess it's not really my place to expect anything. . . . . . It's not that I wasn't accepting of the spankings itself, for I was. . . . . . but that I honestly didn't know if I could handle the pain. Even as my sobbing came to an end, I was still awash with the deep, throbbing, severe pain. . . . . . . and knew that I would be, more than likely, for days. The paddle that was used didn't impart much of a surface sting, but an exceptionally deep, heavy bruising that leaves residual soreness FOREVER. (Or, so it seems. . . . .) I was later pulled over his knee to wrap the session up, and I cried, and I cried, and I cried. . . . . . Like I said. . . . . . academically, I know I've taken worse. . . . . . . but it's hard to find them right now. Grinning, he looked at me, later that night, and said, "When did you get so soft?" I gave a big grin. . . . "When I submitted to you." Mentally, I was thinking, "When I let you in my walls. . . . . . . when I dropped my defenses."
I gave him his Christmas card last night, for I wasn't sure if I was going to get to see him again. I'd left a bag with his gift on the ottoman, and was absolutely ASTOUNDED when he didn't automatically go over and poke around. . . . . . So, I commented on this, teasing him. He looked at me like a wounded puppy. "I don't stick my nose in everything." Jessa and I busted out laughing. He's is. . . . . . rather inquisitive. *grins* The memory I have of him reading the cards, trying not to cry, is one I'll treasure.
All in all, it was an absolutely awesome night, one full of memories I'll hold close, as well as moments of rather high intensity. . . . . . balanced with the perfect measure of tenderness and love.
"Whatcha gonna do about it?" With a joyful grin, I looked up into his eyes. I was perfectly relaxed within his hold as I pointed out the obvious. . . . . . . "We both know that you're stronger." The simple grin he gave me was one that I'll never forget. . . . . . "Yes, but sometimes, your mind needs to realize that, doesn't it?" Sheepishly, I responded. "Yes, Sir." He continued to pin me for a bit, and I felt completely at peace with his hold, at least, until he started aggravating me. . . . . *steadfastly announces* I'm NOT ticklish!
Later, I remember hearing his belt come off, and my stomach turning to ice as I tried to figure out how best to deal with the upcoming severity of pain. . . . . and failing miserably in the "dealing with" arena. I was (and am) exceptionally sleep deprived. . . . my ability to consciously think through things, and process emotional events, is severely limited. My only thought was getting away. . . . . . . and I used my flexibility to my advantage. (I have an ability to lay on my back, and sit my knees down, on the ground, above my shoulders, behind my ears.) I distinctly remember putting my hands on the bed, and somersaulting backwards, and coming to my knees to face him as I tried to get away. I was asked repeatedly. . . . . "What do you think you're doing, fighting me like that?????" I didn't have an answer. I couldn't process how anything else could be logical. . . . . . I couldn't handle it; I needed away. Seemed fairly simple to me. . . . . And then, I was slung across his knee. My ability to get away was nil as I was securely tucked against his torso. That's when the thought came to me. . . . . . . He's not going to take me any place he doesn't have confidence in my ability to handle. My body might not truly be able to accept the level of pain that I was being expected to submit to. . . . . . but part of it was a mental panic, too. Part of it was me trying to figure out how I could possibly handle the pain. . . . . and realizing that I didn't have to handle anything.
As the night went on, other moments stand out. Sitting in the floor, playing a game, and laughing. Listening to him hum along with a song that I've noticed he REALLY likes. His hands on me, the random hugs, the feelings of closeness. The simple joy taken in each other's company.
And then. . . . . . . . a second session. I know that academically, I've taken far worse paddlings. I know that. . . . . . but at the same point in time, I can't remember any that seem more excruciating. I can't remember any that reduced me to a sobbing, screaming mess as quickly. . . . . . or any that had me fighting for (what seemed) my life, and my freedom. . . . . . Even pinned over his knee (where I know that I'm all but helpless), I made a last-ditch effort to get away from the pain. . . . . . . I rolled and tried to throw myself in the floor, and almost made it. . . . . . and then found myself flat picked up and pinned again. I wasn't able to lessen the fight, for it was instinctual, but I was able to enhance my acceptance of it. I knew that I deserved it, and that it was a lesson that I direly needed to learn, embrace, embody. . . . . but at the same point in time, I NEVER expected that intense of pain. *soft grin* Guess it's not really my place to expect anything. . . . . . It's not that I wasn't accepting of the spankings itself, for I was. . . . . . but that I honestly didn't know if I could handle the pain. Even as my sobbing came to an end, I was still awash with the deep, throbbing, severe pain. . . . . . . and knew that I would be, more than likely, for days. The paddle that was used didn't impart much of a surface sting, but an exceptionally deep, heavy bruising that leaves residual soreness FOREVER. (Or, so it seems. . . . .) I was later pulled over his knee to wrap the session up, and I cried, and I cried, and I cried. . . . . . Like I said. . . . . . academically, I know I've taken worse. . . . . . . but it's hard to find them right now. Grinning, he looked at me, later that night, and said, "When did you get so soft?" I gave a big grin. . . . "When I submitted to you." Mentally, I was thinking, "When I let you in my walls. . . . . . . when I dropped my defenses."
I gave him his Christmas card last night, for I wasn't sure if I was going to get to see him again. I'd left a bag with his gift on the ottoman, and was absolutely ASTOUNDED when he didn't automatically go over and poke around. . . . . . So, I commented on this, teasing him. He looked at me like a wounded puppy. "I don't stick my nose in everything." Jessa and I busted out laughing. He's is. . . . . . rather inquisitive. *grins* The memory I have of him reading the cards, trying not to cry, is one I'll treasure.
All in all, it was an absolutely awesome night, one full of memories I'll hold close, as well as moments of rather high intensity. . . . . . balanced with the perfect measure of tenderness and love.
11 December 2009
Top Three Words (Audience Participation Needed!)
I need a little bit of help from you guys. Everyone that reads this post. . . . please leave a comment. I promise, no one will judge you for what you say! :-)
I want to know the first three words that come to mind when you think about submission, your relationship, spanking, etc etc etc. . . . . Or, I guess more aptly, which three words describe what you value most about it?
For me, those words are trust, love, and security.
What are yours? I promise. . . . . this all has a good end. You're likely to see these words again. :-) I'm just curious as to the overall feeling. . . . .
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A BOTTOM/SUBMISSIVE/SPANKEE TO RESPOND. . . . . . I WANT TO HEAR FROM EVERYONE! :-)
10 December 2009
Spanking Songs
Just a quick post tonight. . . . A song came on that caught my attention, and made me think about the way I feel when I'm in KYOTKGUY's arms. . . . and then, my thought process from there drifted to songs that mention, or allude to, spanking. These were the first few that came to mind, although I'm sure there are lots more!
Daddy's Hands--Holly Dunn
("Daddy’s hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love in Daddy´s hands.")
Lesson's Learned--Tracy Adkins
("I hung my head and I faced the wall as daddy showed me wrong from right
He said this hurts me more than it does you
Theres just some things son that you just don't do
Is anything I'm sayin' getting through daddy I can see the light")
A Different World-- Bucky Covington
("We got daddy’s belt when we misbehaved")
Figured You Out-- Nickelback
("I like your pants around your feet
I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me")
Smack That-- Akon
("and possibly bend you over
look back and watch me
Smack that all on the floor
Smack that give me some more
Smack that 'till you get sore
Smack that oh-oooh!")
Daddy's Hands--Holly Dunn
("Daddy’s hands were soft and kind when I was cryin´.
Daddy´s hands, were hard as steel when I´d done wrong.
Daddy´s hands, weren´t always gentle
But I´ve come to understand.
There was always love in Daddy´s hands.")
Lesson's Learned--Tracy Adkins
("I hung my head and I faced the wall as daddy showed me wrong from right
He said this hurts me more than it does you
Theres just some things son that you just don't do
Is anything I'm sayin' getting through daddy I can see the light")
A Different World-- Bucky Covington
("We got daddy’s belt when we misbehaved")
Figured You Out-- Nickelback
("I like your pants around your feet
I like the dirt that's on your knees
And I like the way you still say please
While you're looking up at me")
Smack That-- Akon
("and possibly bend you over
look back and watch me
Smack that all on the floor
Smack that give me some more
Smack that 'till you get sore
Smack that oh-oooh!")
09 December 2009
Working
I am working extremely diligently on a couple of different projects. First as an end-of-term paper that just kinda snuck up on me. . . . Thankfully, though, I have wrapped that up. I'm working on some life stuff, like, job, school. . . . you know, the little things. ;-)
Then. . . . on the side. . . . I'm working on a 12 Days of Christmas of sorts. Words like. . . . . love, trust, peace, determination, serenity, guide, vulnerability, calm, obedience, submission, joy, control. . . . . dance through my head like sugar plums. I'm not exactly sure where this little Christmas project is going, but I think it'll be an insightful and fun one.
And, LOL, as an aside. . . . . Everyone needs to go to Dallas' main site, dallasspankshard.com, and click on "Leave" instead of "Enter". *shrugs* I had to try. It was well worth the laugh!
So, for now, I hope everyone is having an absolutely awesome holiday season thus far! Me, I'm doin' well. Got a chance to see some great lights, drink some wonderful coffee and hot chocolate, and enjoy some Christmas shopping with Jessa. Managed to get extended curfew, too. How cool is that? *does Kea dance* *shapes up quickly* Anywho, Happy Holidays!
08 December 2009
More Than Anything
He could see the love, trust, and openness in her eyes as she knelt in front of him. Eyes locked onto his, there was a soft, serene smile on her face. Knees a little less than shoulder width apart, her hands were folded behind her back. Her body was free from all tension, and she had an easy-going sense of relaxation about her. She continued to hold his gaze, and she felt as though he could see to the depths of her core. She felt no need to flinch away, or to look elsewhere. . . . She was completely at peace with his gaze, his touch, his love, his control. He stood as he slowly walked around her. Her gaze remained forward. She had not a concern in the world as she lost track of him and his position. He noted the easy relaxation in her posture, and knew that she trusted him more than anything. His heart bubbled and swelled with pride, determination, tenderness, and love at the sight of this small creature. She was his, and he treasured her, and her gift of submission, more than anything in the world.
06 December 2009
What I Love About Him
I wrote this to KYOTKGUY, and I wanted the world to know what, exactly, I adore about him. This is an exercise that I have encouraged several close friends to do, for it helps so much to have to be able to read back over, to do, to focus the memories. I'd encourage everyone to do one!
I Love. . . . .
1.) I love the feeling of being wrapped tightly in your arms
2.) I love the comfort I take when you lay your hand on me
3.) I love the feeling of absolute peace and submission I get from being touched by you, simply because you can
4.) I love the feeling I get from being randomly pulled over your knee; It reminds me of who is 100% in control, and in charge
5.) I love the feeling I get from your physical strength, of knowing that I can't control what happens; that I can resist, and will still lose in the end; that you are unequivocally stronger.
6.) I love the feeling of safety knowing that it is ok to resist, of knowing that I will not get hurt if I resist
7.) I love the absolute feeling of peace I get just by being with you
8.) I love the feeling of total safety I have with you
9.) I love the knowledge that I can share absolutely every part of myself with you
10.) I love the knowledge that it is safe to ask for help
11.) I love the knowledge that you back me in all things
12.) I love the knowledge that you love me completely
13.) I love the knowledge that you embrace my submission
14.) I love knowledge that you lead me, guide me, mold me
15.) I love talking with you daily
16.) I love being greeted in the morning with "Good morning, beautiful!"
17.) I love how you make me feel gorgeous, even on my horrible days
18.) I love how you're open to learning about every part of me
19.) I love the twinkle in your eye
20.) I love your light laugh, the more common one
21.) I absolute adore your deep belly laugh
22.) I love the trust between us
23.) I love sharing every moment that we can together
24.) I love the feeling of offering you my submission
25.) I love the feeling of your hands on my body, and the complete feeling of openness it provokes
26.) I love the feeling of being on my knees before you, in a position of complete submission
27.) I love meeting your gaze and reading the story of love, trust, tenderness, and compassion in your eyes
28.) I love the simple joy you take when I am able to complete a request
29.) I love the wiggly puppy feeling I get when I have that submissive glow at your hand
30.) I love how you know when to be tender, and when to be rougher
31.) I love how your hand can be soft as velvet, and hard as steel
32.) I absolutely love just being with you, no matter what we're doing
33.) I love the feeling of your breath on my neck
34.) I take comfort in your consistency, yet ability to have fun
35.) I love your fairness
36.) I love the feeling of your hands playing with my hair (not so much grabbing, or holding)
37.) I love the feeling of your body at my back.
38.) I love the way you can instantly center me, and bring my mind back to you
39.) I love the firmness of your tone
40.) I love the softness and gentleness of your tone
41.) I love the sound of your voice as I'm waking up.
42.) I love the sound of your voice as I'm going to sleep.
43.) I love the finality of your desicions.
44.) I love your ability to stop me in my tracks with a look.
45.) I love when you take total control.
46.) I love you that you can take total control and leave me feeling safe and at ease.
47.) I love the brush of your beard on my face.
48.) I love the brush of you fingers on my neck.
49.) I love the comfort you provide before, during, and after a spanking.
50.) I love the ease with which you can turn me over your knee.
51.) I love your ability to remain firm in the face of my arguments and defiance.
52.) I love the fact that my defiance isn't tolerated.
53.) I love the fact you can have fun, and yet remain in charge.
54.) I love playing games with you.
55.) I love the intimacy that exists between us, and the fact that it does not make me uncomfortable.
56.) I love the fact that you accept me, as I am.
57.) I love the fact that you are willing to help me become who I can be.
58.) I love the time that we get together, no matter when that may be.
59.) I love burying my head in your neck.
60.) I love when you call me over to sit next to you.
61.) I love the feeling of your hand in my back, around my wrist, or on my shoulder as you lead me.
62.) I love laying my head on your chest and listening to your heart beat.
63.) I love that I can trust you to act in my better interest, no matter what.
64.) I love that you are able to give me what I need.
65.) I love that you can read me.
66.) I love that you are open to input, and to learning.
67.) I love that you lead, walk beside, or push as needed, and that you know when to do each.
68.) I love the sound of your singing.
69.) I absolutely ADORE getting emails from you. I re-read and re-read and re-read them.
70.) I love talking to you first thing in the morning, and last thing of a night.
71.) I love the special times that we spend together.
72.) I love the reminders that I am yours.
73.) I am in awe of your love for me.
74.) I love having the chance to love you.
75.) I love how you always seem to know what to say.
76.) I love your no nonsense approach, and the fact that you only use it as needed.
77.) I absolutely love your sense of humor.
78.) I love the brightness of your eyes, and the wealth of emotion there.
79.) I love that I may express any emotion with you.
80.) I love that you are as free with your emotions as you expect me to be.
81.) I love the fact that you haven't given up on me.
82.) I love the songs that you have sent me in order to give me an uplifting thought.
83.) I love your willingness to be there for me through anything, at anytime, for any reason.
84.) I love the non-verbal communication we can have.
85.) I love being yours.
86.) I love the simple joy you take with surprises.
87.) I love how you know when to gently lead, and when to put your foot down.
88.) I love how I love you more every day.
89.) I love the time that you have given me.
90.) I love that I can cry with you.
91.) I love the feeling of your hands on my ribs, or back, as I lay across your knee and curl into your belly.
92.) I love how peaceful you look when you sleep.
93.) I love your refusal to allow me to settle for anything less than my best.
94.) I love your reassuring words, touch, looks.
95.) I love the fact that you have been with me every step of the way.
96.) I love the fact that you take the same joy in pictures as I do.
97.) I love that you know when to test my submission, and when to push me further down the path.
98.) I love that you love my writing.
99.) I love your ability to stay focused on what you expect from me, even when I'm trying to take you down any path I can. . . . .
100.) I LOVE YOU!
I Love. . . . .
1.) I love the feeling of being wrapped tightly in your arms
2.) I love the comfort I take when you lay your hand on me
3.) I love the feeling of absolute peace and submission I get from being touched by you, simply because you can
4.) I love the feeling I get from being randomly pulled over your knee; It reminds me of who is 100% in control, and in charge
5.) I love the feeling I get from your physical strength, of knowing that I can't control what happens; that I can resist, and will still lose in the end; that you are unequivocally stronger.
6.) I love the feeling of safety knowing that it is ok to resist, of knowing that I will not get hurt if I resist
7.) I love the absolute feeling of peace I get just by being with you
8.) I love the feeling of total safety I have with you
9.) I love the knowledge that I can share absolutely every part of myself with you
10.) I love the knowledge that it is safe to ask for help
11.) I love the knowledge that you back me in all things
12.) I love the knowledge that you love me completely
13.) I love the knowledge that you embrace my submission
14.) I love knowledge that you lead me, guide me, mold me
15.) I love talking with you daily
16.) I love being greeted in the morning with "Good morning, beautiful!"
17.) I love how you make me feel gorgeous, even on my horrible days
18.) I love how you're open to learning about every part of me
19.) I love the twinkle in your eye
20.) I love your light laugh, the more common one
21.) I absolute adore your deep belly laugh
22.) I love the trust between us
23.) I love sharing every moment that we can together
24.) I love the feeling of offering you my submission
25.) I love the feeling of your hands on my body, and the complete feeling of openness it provokes
26.) I love the feeling of being on my knees before you, in a position of complete submission
27.) I love meeting your gaze and reading the story of love, trust, tenderness, and compassion in your eyes
28.) I love the simple joy you take when I am able to complete a request
29.) I love the wiggly puppy feeling I get when I have that submissive glow at your hand
30.) I love how you know when to be tender, and when to be rougher
31.) I love how your hand can be soft as velvet, and hard as steel
32.) I absolutely love just being with you, no matter what we're doing
33.) I love the feeling of your breath on my neck
34.) I take comfort in your consistency, yet ability to have fun
35.) I love your fairness
36.) I love the feeling of your hands playing with my hair (not so much grabbing, or holding)
37.) I love the feeling of your body at my back.
38.) I love the way you can instantly center me, and bring my mind back to you
39.) I love the firmness of your tone
40.) I love the softness and gentleness of your tone
41.) I love the sound of your voice as I'm waking up.
42.) I love the sound of your voice as I'm going to sleep.
43.) I love the finality of your desicions.
44.) I love your ability to stop me in my tracks with a look.
45.) I love when you take total control.
46.) I love you that you can take total control and leave me feeling safe and at ease.
47.) I love the brush of your beard on my face.
48.) I love the brush of you fingers on my neck.
49.) I love the comfort you provide before, during, and after a spanking.
50.) I love the ease with which you can turn me over your knee.
51.) I love your ability to remain firm in the face of my arguments and defiance.
52.) I love the fact that my defiance isn't tolerated.
53.) I love the fact you can have fun, and yet remain in charge.
54.) I love playing games with you.
55.) I love the intimacy that exists between us, and the fact that it does not make me uncomfortable.
56.) I love the fact that you accept me, as I am.
57.) I love the fact that you are willing to help me become who I can be.
58.) I love the time that we get together, no matter when that may be.
59.) I love burying my head in your neck.
60.) I love when you call me over to sit next to you.
61.) I love the feeling of your hand in my back, around my wrist, or on my shoulder as you lead me.
62.) I love laying my head on your chest and listening to your heart beat.
63.) I love that I can trust you to act in my better interest, no matter what.
64.) I love that you are able to give me what I need.
65.) I love that you can read me.
66.) I love that you are open to input, and to learning.
67.) I love that you lead, walk beside, or push as needed, and that you know when to do each.
68.) I love the sound of your singing.
69.) I absolutely ADORE getting emails from you. I re-read and re-read and re-read them.
70.) I love talking to you first thing in the morning, and last thing of a night.
71.) I love the special times that we spend together.
72.) I love the reminders that I am yours.
73.) I am in awe of your love for me.
74.) I love having the chance to love you.
75.) I love how you always seem to know what to say.
76.) I love your no nonsense approach, and the fact that you only use it as needed.
77.) I absolutely love your sense of humor.
78.) I love the brightness of your eyes, and the wealth of emotion there.
79.) I love that I may express any emotion with you.
80.) I love that you are as free with your emotions as you expect me to be.
81.) I love the fact that you haven't given up on me.
82.) I love the songs that you have sent me in order to give me an uplifting thought.
83.) I love your willingness to be there for me through anything, at anytime, for any reason.
84.) I love the non-verbal communication we can have.
85.) I love being yours.
86.) I love the simple joy you take with surprises.
87.) I love how you know when to gently lead, and when to put your foot down.
88.) I love how I love you more every day.
89.) I love the time that you have given me.
90.) I love that I can cry with you.
91.) I love the feeling of your hands on my ribs, or back, as I lay across your knee and curl into your belly.
92.) I love how peaceful you look when you sleep.
93.) I love your refusal to allow me to settle for anything less than my best.
94.) I love your reassuring words, touch, looks.
95.) I love the fact that you have been with me every step of the way.
96.) I love the fact that you take the same joy in pictures as I do.
97.) I love that you know when to test my submission, and when to push me further down the path.
98.) I love that you love my writing.
99.) I love your ability to stay focused on what you expect from me, even when I'm trying to take you down any path I can. . . . .
100.) I LOVE YOU!
05 December 2009
It's Not Who You're Not
I found a quote last night that really struck home. It stated, "It's not who you ARE that holds you back; it's who you think you're not."
I've never seen a truer statement, nor one that has rang more true through every bone in my body. I was recently reminded exactly who I belong to, and why. I am KYOTKGUY's, and it's borne out of love and trust. It was a hard lesson, and one that I desperately needed driven home. I don't have extremely insecure moments often, but as you guys know, before I had the chance to see him and spend a good chunk of time together, I had been struggling. Who I am gives me the strength to stay strong. Who I am gives me the happy glow to get up and face life. Who I am makes me me. It's who I am NOT that drags me down. . . . and it's who I am NOT that has no place in my mind.
As for the picture. . . . admit it, it's cute. :-) Happy Holidays, y'all, and I hope you're having a wonderful time of friendship, fellowship, and growing.
04 December 2009
Final Vestige
Last night, KYOTKGUY was up, and we got to spend quite a bit of time together. It was a wonderful time of learning, laughing, and some serious wall-breaking. For the past few days, I'd doubled back on my road, and had given into the "fear" complex. . . . and it was time for me to realize that fear has no place. That MY control has no place. That I am strong enough to COMPLETELY submit. While we did go through an extremely physically and emotionally intense session, it was more the affirmation of love, trust, and support that put me back where I needed to be. The session allowed me the ability to acknowledge and set the lessons in stone, but I had already accepted them before it began. Last night's session was truly my choice. I was given the option of passing it up, or openly saying, "I need this." I wasn't sure. For the absolute LONGEST time, not only did I not WANT, I definitely DIDN'T need. I begged, I pleaded, I almost cried. . . . and then, the choice was placed in my hands. I sat there, sitting back on my heels, feeling the residual soreness from an earlier, far less intense session, and knowing that if I continued down this path, the pain would be severe, but beyond that, absolutely all control would be taken from me, for that was the lesson I needed to learn.
Fear. Not of KYOTKGUY. Not of the spanking, per say, but of losing control. I'd lost so much control over life the past few days. . . . I wasn't sure that I wanted to lose more. As I sat on the bed, flipping from one side to the other, I realized that fear had no place here. Lack of submission had fear at its root, and I need not fear giving control to this man. . . . this man who had proved over, and over, and over his love and unconditional support. His ability to think through things when I wasn't able. His ability to consider my best interest. His ability to give me what I needed, when I needed it. His ability to fairly consider wants. His tender touch. . . . and his ability to know when he needed to NOT be tender. His ability to know when I needed to walk on the edge of the road, and when I needed to firmly be dumped back into the middle of the road. I could go on and on with his abilities. . . . but the point is, right then, I needed to give up my FINAL vestiges of control. I was far more safe, far more secure, and far more at peace, and I wanted that.
He recognized that, and he took me further down that path then I think I've ever been. I cried. Good Lord, did I cry. I remember crying like that only once before. I cried almost from the very beginning. . . . which was the first time I've cried wet tears in quite some time. My walls were gone. . . . I was prepared to connect, to accept, to learn, to be loved. Therein, my friends, is often the issue. I am so guarded. . . . so able to GIVE love, and nary able to accept. Last night, I made the choice, through the lesson being taught, to open myself up. . . . I'm not going to say that we won't have to revisit it a few times, for that part of me is so incredibly and deeply ingrained. . . . but we made definite progress, and last night ended up being an extremely, extremely special time as I gave up. . . . . My Final Vestiges.
02 December 2009
Cruel Irony
It's so incredibly ironic how I can write a post such as "Rooted In Fear", which proves that I academically know what I'm talking about, and then fall prey to the very same. For I have, my friends. I have fallen prey to fear. Fear of giving up control. Fear of the closeness. Fear of complete mental openness. Pure, unchecked, raw, fear. Talk about a hairpin curve in the road of life. I don't know where it's coming from, or why, but it's here nonetheless. I've cried for about five hours solid as I've sought to battle my way through it. I must admit, I'm not making much head way. I throw myself against the wall it presents, and get tossed backwards. I stand up, more frustrated than before, and then. . . . just give into the frustration. What's even worse is that where there is fear, there's anger. I'm not a lashing-out kind of angry person. I'm the sullen, simmering, quiet one. I'm the one that very suddenly gets very, very, very quiet and polite. Yes, my friends. . . . my old enemy, Passive Aggressive, strikes again. Some recent situations with a couple of friends have shown me how much love can truly exist between two people, and it drove home the fact that I have ALL of that, and far, far, far more. Which, if I'm honest with myself, scares me. What if it all goes away? I remember life before this. . . . and it wasn't really life. What if?
Thus is the struggle, and that's where I've been for the last couple of days. I don't know if I'm building a wall, or seeking to tear one down. REGARDLESS, I know that nothing within me has truly changed, for I still take all joy in the world at being KYOTKGUY's. I'm an emotional mess, but, I'm coming to terms with the fact that the mess really doesn't matter. . . . it's acknowledging it that does.
30 November 2009
Rooted In Fear
I have been recently asked "How do I submit?" This came from a person who was struggling mightily on the road of submission, and while I'm not exactly the prime example of perfect submission, I've learned a lot. My answer was simple.
It boils down to trust. The thought of disobedience, or of a fit, will not even occur to you IF you trust the decision being made. The person giving the command has a responsibility to consider all aspects of the choice, and you have the responsibility to submit to the decision made. With all sides and elements carefully considered by the leader, the needs and wants of the follower are balanced. A big issue is the desire to throw a fit. *simply* A fit is rooted in COMPLETE lack of trust. It says, "I'm too scared to allow this happen. I don't trust that it's best for me, at this time." Perhaps it says, "I don't want to give up that much control." Ultimately, that is STILL rooted in fear. A base of non-submissive behavior is rooted in "I want." *simply* You give up the right to "I want." In an ideal situation, your needs are carefully considered and taken care of, and you'll get your wants every now and again. If you DON'T get a want, then it conflicts with a current need. That fact might rub you the wrong direction, but you must realize that, once again, all the facts have been considered. It's not your place to get upset about it if you truly trust him to make the best choice for you.
I believe that lack of submission is almost always rooted in fear. Fear of pain. Fear of lack of control. Fear of the unknown. Total submission removes the fear from the equation. The unknown doesn't matter, because the person guiding you has an end in mind. They know the end result, or the result that they're after, and if you truly believe that they will not hurt you, nor use your vulnerability against you, then the fear doesn't register. The unknown rests squarely in their hands, as do you.
Now, all of that to say, submission does NOT involve being a doormat. It does not involve mindless, robotic obedience. Obedience is NOT the core of submission. It is a result, but it is not what truly matters. Anyone who tells you that it is rooted in obedience does not truly understand the concept of complete submission. If there are considerations that still need to be raised, you should feel free (and safe), to raise them, respectfully. Once considered, however, that should be the end of the matter.
*simply* That was the answer I gave. It's a bit hard to track, and to follow, but I think it says what needs to be said. It all comes down to trust. Absolute, unyielding, unshakable trust. Built upon a platform of trust, submission brings a joy that nothing else can compare to. However, without that trust, submission is nothing more than an extended role-play, and a source of frustration for all involved. Without the trust, the only constant will be a fight out of fear.
29 November 2009
Request
Tonight, a serious post. I've got two friends whom I love more than life who are having a bit of a rough time right now. I'm not here to give names, but if you could, please keep them in the forefront of your mind. Those of you that pray, please do so.
Sometimes, it's easy to allow life to get you down. . . . to regress in ways you otherwise wouldn't. . . . to give up fighting. A couple of days ago, I was very much so on the brink of that. I was close to laying down and saying, "Enough. I've had enough. I'm going to do what I'm going to do, the way *I* want to do it, and I'm going to do it NOW."
I'm here to say, now, that I've never been more thankful, or more in need, of seeing KYOTKGUY. I was ready to give up on months of work, all over some exhaustion. It's amazing what a bit of re-charging can do. :-)
I'm not actually in nearly a somber mood as I seem to be. :-D Today is one of those "It's a great day to be alive!" days. . . . and I'm enjoying it to hilt. . . . or I would be if I weren't so angry on behalf of a close friend. Please, you guys, keep her in your thoughts (and, if you so desire, your prayers).
Sometimes, it's easy to allow life to get you down. . . . to regress in ways you otherwise wouldn't. . . . to give up fighting. A couple of days ago, I was very much so on the brink of that. I was close to laying down and saying, "Enough. I've had enough. I'm going to do what I'm going to do, the way *I* want to do it, and I'm going to do it NOW."
I'm here to say, now, that I've never been more thankful, or more in need, of seeing KYOTKGUY. I was ready to give up on months of work, all over some exhaustion. It's amazing what a bit of re-charging can do. :-)
I'm not actually in nearly a somber mood as I seem to be. :-D Today is one of those "It's a great day to be alive!" days. . . . and I'm enjoying it to hilt. . . . or I would be if I weren't so angry on behalf of a close friend. Please, you guys, keep her in your thoughts (and, if you so desire, your prayers).
28 November 2009
Not Natural!
So I'm learning that the only acceptable answer to most questions requiring one is, "Yes, Sir". I've tried nearly every other option, and they never seem to work for me. Ignoring the question is not an option. Asking a question in response is not an option. "No" most decidedly is NOT an option, nor is, unfortunately, "no, Sir". Redirection ends up with me over his knee. And, I learned tonight that simply giving the expected answer isn't exactly what it wanted, either. Rote repetition doesn't end me up anywhere good. For awhile, I had the option of "later", but I'm running out of "laters".
My options are getting more and more limited. :-D I can't always stop myself from trying to not answer the question, or circumnavigate it in some way. It's a vice. *sigh* And, on most of the natural world, my silver tongue works wonders. *glances over at KYOTKGUY* Apparently, natural isn't always best.
My options are getting more and more limited. :-D I can't always stop myself from trying to not answer the question, or circumnavigate it in some way. It's a vice. *sigh* And, on most of the natural world, my silver tongue works wonders. *glances over at KYOTKGUY* Apparently, natural isn't always best.
27 November 2009
Perfect Timing
Very early this afternoon, I got a surprise that I needed very, very badly. I was out and about, running around the city, in my pajamas. This morning, I woke up not really caring. My stress level has been running so incredibly high, and my submission tank, while not anywhere close to empty, was not, and has not, been running on full. I've taken several matters into my own hands, and have been passively orchestrating them. I was in a "and if I fall, and fall hard, so what? I'll get back up. . . . . always have. . . " kinda mood, and it had been steadily getting worse. Thanksgiving, while enjoyable, was EXTREMELY high stress for several reasons. I was put to bed extremely late, and I woke up early. Needles too say, I was, and am, tired. All of that to say. . . . . I was about to the edge of some seriously not fun times. I've got some nasty coping skills when it comes to stress, and they were all about to come into play.
This morning, I was pretending (for what I hoped was the last time for a few days) to be 100% ok, stable, and enthused about life as it was. I saw KYOTKGUY come around the corner of an appointment I was at, and I immediately got this feeling of relief. Just being in his presence was enough to allow me to let my walls down. . . . to allow me to relax, and allow someone else to lead. I was surprised, to say the least, and instantly giddy beyond measure.
We wrapped up everything we needed to around town, and met back up at the apartment. He'd brought lunch, and we sat down to eat. First, though, he asked me a question. . . . a question that I knew he knew the answer to, and that I had zero desire to answer. I was in his arms (he on a stool, and I standing in front of him). I went to take a step back, slightly out of reach, before I answered, for I felt the shift of his body that said, "The instant you answer me, I'm turning you over my knee." Some part of mind just KNEW that stepping back would protect me from that. Well, I wasn't given a chance to step back, I answered the question, and I was turned over his knee. Three exceptionally stunning swats later, I was stood back to my feet. While I didn't yelp, the intense burn took me by surprise. Three swats. . . . . over jeans. . . . . Oh boy. After eating, we headed to the living room to talk. By this point, I had let go of much of my defenses, of much of my tension, of much of my walls. We talked, bantered, caught up. I was lying in his arms, and I was the happiest girl in the world. . . . until he asked another one of those questions.
You know, the ones that seem to suck all the air out of the room. The ones that make your heart stop, and the ones that instantly say, "This is not gonna be good." So, I did the most logical thing. I ignored the question. I had been "in charge" in a lot of things for the past while, and several of my vices had begun to crop up. . . . including slight passive aggressiveness. I actually managed to ignore the question so thoroughly that I forgot about it. . . . but KYOTKGUY did not. At all. Out of the clear view, he shifted to the edge of the futon, and pulled me gently with him. I was feeling beyond open and connected at this point, and was ready for the exercise in submission. After several minutes of preliminaries, I was extremely gently, almost tenderly, guided over his knee. I settled into position, knowing that this might hurt, and striving to maintain submission. My instincts were screaming, "tense up! arch your back! twist away! put your hands in the way!" However, my submission was gently reminding me to keep my hands in the small of my back, to relax, to accept, to be open to the lesson. The feel of his hand on my bottom and my legs was soothing, and then, he'd move it away. My brain would instantly go on full alert as I tried to track his hand. My body would tense, my breathing would get shallow, and this brief moment of panic would overtake me. As much anticipating as I TRIED to do, the first swat still caught me off guard. From that moment on, I had no idea when the next one would fall. They came randomly, and they were hard and heavy. They weren't fast, but they were enough to prove a challenge to remain in place. I very nearly started crying on the spot when he wrapped his arm around my waist, and began to spank hard and fast. I kicked, I yelped, I twisted, and fought to keep my hands from flinching away from the small of my back.
As I was beginning to calm down, KYOTKGUY leaned over me, and wrapped me in his arms. I was stil over his knee, and the sting was solidly setting in. He whispered in my ear, "Go to the bedroom, Keagen". I immediately moved to comply. My mindframe, by this point, was completely open. My walls were gone, I was open to being led. I was apprehensive, yet taking a complete joy in my submission. I knew that what was fixing to happen would likely be excruiatingly painful, but I knew that not only was I safe in the hands of this man at my back, but that he loved me beyond all words. The sense of trust and "guidability" was nearly surreal. I closed my eyes as I neared the edge of the bed, and I dropped to my knees, and folded my hands behind my back. The feelings bubbling through me were nearly surreal. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I was ready for it. He knew; he had his reasons; he would guide me; that's all that mattered.
I felt him enter the room before I heard or saw him. I looked over to see him come up behind me. His hands on my shoulders, my back, my ribs, my head focused me on the feelings bubbling within. His touch was soft and tender, and the contrast between the pain they gave a few minutes back struck me. He whispered into my ear, "Taking that long to answer a question that I ask tells me that you're not focused on your submission." As the awareness of my submission was brought to a height, he changed position. He was sitting on the bed, and I was on my knees in front of him. I met his eyes, and a complete sense of calm washed over me. Yes, it would hurt. Yes, I had zero control of what was about to happen. . . . but I didn't want it. I have NEVER felt as perfectly at peace and as accepting of anything as I did at that moment. He gently pulled me to my feet as he laid me over his knee. My hands remained in place throughout that process, something that I was proud of. My first instinct was to reach out and catch myself. . . . but I didn't. Nor was I allowed to fall. I was guided into position, and was held securely throughout.
Something I've always told a couple friends of mine is that if you never allow someone you love to see you fall, you don't know if they'll catch you. I'm a stickler on my position (although I'm not with KYOTKGUY, any more). I want my feet on the ground. (A battle I fought with KY, I think, twice. Yes, I was stubborn enough to think that maybe, just maybe, if I kept on, I might win. . . .) I want my hands in front of me. I want my feet crossed. I do not want to have to look at anyone. I want to tense as I will. So, the simple fact that I was able to let go of that. . . . to allow myself to be guiding into a balance-comprising position sans my hands, is something that I'm proud of. It's much like those exercises where you hafta fall back into someone's arms, with your eyes closed, and not bend your knees. . . . . in order to know that he'd catch me, I had to fall into his arms. . . .
*simply* I got a spanking. It was long, steady, firm, with brief snatches of high intensity. I squirmed, I begged, I pleaded, I wiggled, I broke position, managed to stay in position, and overall, just wanted it to STOP. I was vocally crying, and once, I very briefly cried wet tears. . . . . but the wet tears were not forthcoming. The spanking tested the edges of my submission. I never had the desire to rebel. . . . . not once did I have a "bite back" moment. . . . . I wanted to comply with what was beign asked of me so much, and while I often was able to, I often was not able to. My hands would move (and pay a high price). I'd bring my feet up (which resulted in the insides of my thighs being paddled). I'd twist away, which resulted a more complete pin. So on and so forth. . . . . bit, by bit, by bit, I was slowly able to overcome my instincts to fight the pain. Never completely, but I got better and better. . . . .
Throughout the entire session, I was fully accepting. With each position and implement change, I would cry harder, and try to refrain from pleading. I once thought that I couldn't deal, and I grabbed ahold of his hand, and pleaded with everything in me. I knew I shouldn't; I knew that I should let go; I knew that I should accept. . . . but it hurt, so much. . . . . all I wanted was for it to end. The hell-fire hard set that followed convinced me to let go. I lay loosely over his knee, sobbing.
We were nearly finished, but not quite. After wrapping up the spanking, I lay in his arms. The feelings of peaceful serenity, of elation, of joy swelled and swirled within, even as my bottom burned and stung like CRAZY. I don't always understand that. . . . . how I can feel my best (not that this is the only time I feel like that ;-)) when I'm hurting so badly. . . . .
Our time together couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I know I didn't really say much up there. . . . . but the overwhelming submissive glow, I hope, was conveyed. It was a perfect time that came AT the perfect time. . . . . there was nothing I needed more than to spend awhile with him, in his arms, and over his knee.
This morning, I was pretending (for what I hoped was the last time for a few days) to be 100% ok, stable, and enthused about life as it was. I saw KYOTKGUY come around the corner of an appointment I was at, and I immediately got this feeling of relief. Just being in his presence was enough to allow me to let my walls down. . . . to allow me to relax, and allow someone else to lead. I was surprised, to say the least, and instantly giddy beyond measure.
We wrapped up everything we needed to around town, and met back up at the apartment. He'd brought lunch, and we sat down to eat. First, though, he asked me a question. . . . a question that I knew he knew the answer to, and that I had zero desire to answer. I was in his arms (he on a stool, and I standing in front of him). I went to take a step back, slightly out of reach, before I answered, for I felt the shift of his body that said, "The instant you answer me, I'm turning you over my knee." Some part of mind just KNEW that stepping back would protect me from that. Well, I wasn't given a chance to step back, I answered the question, and I was turned over his knee. Three exceptionally stunning swats later, I was stood back to my feet. While I didn't yelp, the intense burn took me by surprise. Three swats. . . . . over jeans. . . . . Oh boy. After eating, we headed to the living room to talk. By this point, I had let go of much of my defenses, of much of my tension, of much of my walls. We talked, bantered, caught up. I was lying in his arms, and I was the happiest girl in the world. . . . until he asked another one of those questions.
You know, the ones that seem to suck all the air out of the room. The ones that make your heart stop, and the ones that instantly say, "This is not gonna be good." So, I did the most logical thing. I ignored the question. I had been "in charge" in a lot of things for the past while, and several of my vices had begun to crop up. . . . including slight passive aggressiveness. I actually managed to ignore the question so thoroughly that I forgot about it. . . . but KYOTKGUY did not. At all. Out of the clear view, he shifted to the edge of the futon, and pulled me gently with him. I was feeling beyond open and connected at this point, and was ready for the exercise in submission. After several minutes of preliminaries, I was extremely gently, almost tenderly, guided over his knee. I settled into position, knowing that this might hurt, and striving to maintain submission. My instincts were screaming, "tense up! arch your back! twist away! put your hands in the way!" However, my submission was gently reminding me to keep my hands in the small of my back, to relax, to accept, to be open to the lesson. The feel of his hand on my bottom and my legs was soothing, and then, he'd move it away. My brain would instantly go on full alert as I tried to track his hand. My body would tense, my breathing would get shallow, and this brief moment of panic would overtake me. As much anticipating as I TRIED to do, the first swat still caught me off guard. From that moment on, I had no idea when the next one would fall. They came randomly, and they were hard and heavy. They weren't fast, but they were enough to prove a challenge to remain in place. I very nearly started crying on the spot when he wrapped his arm around my waist, and began to spank hard and fast. I kicked, I yelped, I twisted, and fought to keep my hands from flinching away from the small of my back.
As I was beginning to calm down, KYOTKGUY leaned over me, and wrapped me in his arms. I was stil over his knee, and the sting was solidly setting in. He whispered in my ear, "Go to the bedroom, Keagen". I immediately moved to comply. My mindframe, by this point, was completely open. My walls were gone, I was open to being led. I was apprehensive, yet taking a complete joy in my submission. I knew that what was fixing to happen would likely be excruiatingly painful, but I knew that not only was I safe in the hands of this man at my back, but that he loved me beyond all words. The sense of trust and "guidability" was nearly surreal. I closed my eyes as I neared the edge of the bed, and I dropped to my knees, and folded my hands behind my back. The feelings bubbling through me were nearly surreal. I had no idea what was going to happen, but I was ready for it. He knew; he had his reasons; he would guide me; that's all that mattered.
I felt him enter the room before I heard or saw him. I looked over to see him come up behind me. His hands on my shoulders, my back, my ribs, my head focused me on the feelings bubbling within. His touch was soft and tender, and the contrast between the pain they gave a few minutes back struck me. He whispered into my ear, "Taking that long to answer a question that I ask tells me that you're not focused on your submission." As the awareness of my submission was brought to a height, he changed position. He was sitting on the bed, and I was on my knees in front of him. I met his eyes, and a complete sense of calm washed over me. Yes, it would hurt. Yes, I had zero control of what was about to happen. . . . but I didn't want it. I have NEVER felt as perfectly at peace and as accepting of anything as I did at that moment. He gently pulled me to my feet as he laid me over his knee. My hands remained in place throughout that process, something that I was proud of. My first instinct was to reach out and catch myself. . . . but I didn't. Nor was I allowed to fall. I was guided into position, and was held securely throughout.
Something I've always told a couple friends of mine is that if you never allow someone you love to see you fall, you don't know if they'll catch you. I'm a stickler on my position (although I'm not with KYOTKGUY, any more). I want my feet on the ground. (A battle I fought with KY, I think, twice. Yes, I was stubborn enough to think that maybe, just maybe, if I kept on, I might win. . . .) I want my hands in front of me. I want my feet crossed. I do not want to have to look at anyone. I want to tense as I will. So, the simple fact that I was able to let go of that. . . . to allow myself to be guiding into a balance-comprising position sans my hands, is something that I'm proud of. It's much like those exercises where you hafta fall back into someone's arms, with your eyes closed, and not bend your knees. . . . . in order to know that he'd catch me, I had to fall into his arms. . . .
*simply* I got a spanking. It was long, steady, firm, with brief snatches of high intensity. I squirmed, I begged, I pleaded, I wiggled, I broke position, managed to stay in position, and overall, just wanted it to STOP. I was vocally crying, and once, I very briefly cried wet tears. . . . . but the wet tears were not forthcoming. The spanking tested the edges of my submission. I never had the desire to rebel. . . . . not once did I have a "bite back" moment. . . . . I wanted to comply with what was beign asked of me so much, and while I often was able to, I often was not able to. My hands would move (and pay a high price). I'd bring my feet up (which resulted in the insides of my thighs being paddled). I'd twist away, which resulted a more complete pin. So on and so forth. . . . . bit, by bit, by bit, I was slowly able to overcome my instincts to fight the pain. Never completely, but I got better and better. . . . .
Throughout the entire session, I was fully accepting. With each position and implement change, I would cry harder, and try to refrain from pleading. I once thought that I couldn't deal, and I grabbed ahold of his hand, and pleaded with everything in me. I knew I shouldn't; I knew that I should let go; I knew that I should accept. . . . but it hurt, so much. . . . . all I wanted was for it to end. The hell-fire hard set that followed convinced me to let go. I lay loosely over his knee, sobbing.
We were nearly finished, but not quite. After wrapping up the spanking, I lay in his arms. The feelings of peaceful serenity, of elation, of joy swelled and swirled within, even as my bottom burned and stung like CRAZY. I don't always understand that. . . . . how I can feel my best (not that this is the only time I feel like that ;-)) when I'm hurting so badly. . . . .
Our time together couldn't have come at a more perfect time. I know I didn't really say much up there. . . . . but the overwhelming submissive glow, I hope, was conveyed. It was a perfect time that came AT the perfect time. . . . . there was nothing I needed more than to spend awhile with him, in his arms, and over his knee.
26 November 2009
Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Thanksgiving, everyone! Reach out, and give someone a hug that you love, and be happy that they're in your life. Don't lose track of that fact, and how much it matters, amid the holiday stress. And remember. . . . *wink*. . . . there's a great cure for stress! (Some chocolate, you guys! Geesh, keep your mind where it belongs. . . . with all of this wonderful food!)
I wanted to share some things that I am so incredibly thankful for this year.
1.) The ability to fully, safely, and lovingly express my submission.
2.) A man who takes that gift, and nurtures it with every breath.
3.) I have friends who love me far more than I deserve.
4.) I have been in the adult spanking worlds for a little more than 2 and a half years, and through that, I have learned not only what, and who, I am, but also, who I can be.
5.) I am starting anew on some tracks in life that I haven't been particularly careful with, and that now require some work.
6.) I have all the support I could ever want during those journeys.
7.) I know that while things are tight, I have everything that I need.
8.) The holidays are coming!
9.) I am extremely thankful to be at home right now. For many of you, that may not seem like much. . . . but think about what that truly means, and perhaps it will mean more. We all seem to want to "get away". . . . but at the end of the day, what's better than being in a familiar, safe spot with one who loves you? So, in light of that information. . . . I'm beyond thankful to be at home.
10.) I'm thankful that I have total freedom of expression to be who I want to be, as I wish to be, and not have interference from the government or church. I'm not just tossing that in sound patriotic or anything. . . . . I truly feel that way. I have a right to not be proud to be an American; I have a right to express myself as a female; I have the right to be a spanko; I have the right to work how and as I wish; I have the right to my own property. . . . if you think about it, you have rights far beyond what you realize. . . . .
*simply* Don't forget and lose FOCUS of what matters today. . . . your family, friends, and everything that you DO have. Odds are, you're doing pretty well. You might not have everything that you WANT, but you have what you NEED. You sit down, somewhere, today, and eat a meal. You are on a computer. You are wearing clothes. . . . or you may not be, but you have access to them. ;-) You are more than likely online in a house, or apartment, of some kind, that you call your own. It might not be what you WANT. . . . but it's what you call home. *simply, softly* Don't forget. . . .
I wanted to share some things that I am so incredibly thankful for this year.
1.) The ability to fully, safely, and lovingly express my submission.
2.) A man who takes that gift, and nurtures it with every breath.
3.) I have friends who love me far more than I deserve.
4.) I have been in the adult spanking worlds for a little more than 2 and a half years, and through that, I have learned not only what, and who, I am, but also, who I can be.
5.) I am starting anew on some tracks in life that I haven't been particularly careful with, and that now require some work.
6.) I have all the support I could ever want during those journeys.
7.) I know that while things are tight, I have everything that I need.
8.) The holidays are coming!
9.) I am extremely thankful to be at home right now. For many of you, that may not seem like much. . . . but think about what that truly means, and perhaps it will mean more. We all seem to want to "get away". . . . but at the end of the day, what's better than being in a familiar, safe spot with one who loves you? So, in light of that information. . . . I'm beyond thankful to be at home.
10.) I'm thankful that I have total freedom of expression to be who I want to be, as I wish to be, and not have interference from the government or church. I'm not just tossing that in sound patriotic or anything. . . . . I truly feel that way. I have a right to not be proud to be an American; I have a right to express myself as a female; I have the right to be a spanko; I have the right to work how and as I wish; I have the right to my own property. . . . if you think about it, you have rights far beyond what you realize. . . . .
*simply* Don't forget and lose FOCUS of what matters today. . . . your family, friends, and everything that you DO have. Odds are, you're doing pretty well. You might not have everything that you WANT, but you have what you NEED. You sit down, somewhere, today, and eat a meal. You are on a computer. You are wearing clothes. . . . or you may not be, but you have access to them. ;-) You are more than likely online in a house, or apartment, of some kind, that you call your own. It might not be what you WANT. . . . but it's what you call home. *simply, softly* Don't forget. . . .
24 November 2009
FAMOUS LAST WORDS
1.) It'll be worth it.
2.) There's no way to get caught.
3.) That didn't hurt.
4.) I've done it before!
5.) Oh, if you think THAT'S bad. . . .
6.) No.
7.) I can do better!
8.) I'd rather be spanked than do "blah blah blah"!
9.) You can't spank me.
10.) *shrugs* It's worth the trade.
11.) I'd do it again.
12.) Whatever.
13.) Do you think I care?
14.) I'll do it when I'm READY to do it.
15.) Yeah, and?
16.) Bring it on.
17.) Hey, y'all, watch this!
18.) I won't get in trouble for this.
19.) He'll never find out.
20.) If I'm gonna get in trouble anyways, might as well make it worth it.
2.) There's no way to get caught.
3.) That didn't hurt.
4.) I've done it before!
5.) Oh, if you think THAT'S bad. . . .
6.) No.
7.) I can do better!
8.) I'd rather be spanked than do "blah blah blah"!
9.) You can't spank me.
10.) *shrugs* It's worth the trade.
11.) I'd do it again.
12.) Whatever.
13.) Do you think I care?
14.) I'll do it when I'm READY to do it.
15.) Yeah, and?
16.) Bring it on.
17.) Hey, y'all, watch this!
18.) I won't get in trouble for this.
19.) He'll never find out.
20.) If I'm gonna get in trouble anyways, might as well make it worth it.
23 November 2009
The Simple Things
I like this picture, a lot. I'm not exactly sure why, but I've always been a sucker for simple, artistic perspectives. Not to mention. . . . . this picture says a lot. To me, it says, "You can fight and struggle, but I promise, it's ok. I'm strong enough to handle the fight, and strong enough to handle you." Yet, she's not being FORCED into position. She is there of her own free-will. (You can tell because of the relaxation in her lower body and back.) *simply* I like it. His hands come over top of her body, so she is extremely close to him, and he is not simply standing behind her. This is, more than anything, a gesture of love, of support, of safety. It's a gesture of strength, of containment. . . . of boundaries.
The simple things can say so much. The smallest of touches, looks, words can mean more than anything else.
What do the simple things say to you?
22 November 2009
Memories of My Girl
I lost one of my closest friends this summer. . . . a friend who had been with me for 8 years. Her bright blue eyes would twinkle with love and mischief, she would listen to me no matter what I had to say, and she never judged me. Her tail would wag with the slightest provocation, and her sweet spirit is one that I will always remember. When I had no one else to turn to growing up, my Siberian Husky was faithfully by my side. It's been six months. . . . . I just wanna share some pictures.
My little Siberian weighed 35 pounds, and could easily pull 800. She was a working dog, and she loved it.
Trained not only for work, she was also highly trained in obedience, tracking, and agility.
This was the first night that I brought her home. She could fit in the palm of my hand. . . . I was ten.
She doesn't look spoiled at all, does she?
Last Christmas. . . . one of my favorite memories. She had gently picked up an ornament, and carried it to the couch. For the next 3 or 4 minutes, she just sniffed it, and layed with it. Then, she brought it back to me, and layed it at my feet.
I miss her. :-(
My little Siberian weighed 35 pounds, and could easily pull 800. She was a working dog, and she loved it.
Trained not only for work, she was also highly trained in obedience, tracking, and agility.
This was the first night that I brought her home. She could fit in the palm of my hand. . . . I was ten.
She doesn't look spoiled at all, does she?
Last Christmas. . . . one of my favorite memories. She had gently picked up an ornament, and carried it to the couch. For the next 3 or 4 minutes, she just sniffed it, and layed with it. Then, she brought it back to me, and layed it at my feet.
I miss her. :-(
21 November 2009
Finding the Humor
So I've been working on a paper all day that I was supposed to have finished by 8 o'clock tonight. Not just any paper. . . . a ten page mega paper worth a little more than a quarter of my grade, due Monday. I've got some solid work done, but Jess has been in a festive mood. She's been rarin' to decorate for a week or so, now, and I've been trying to hold her back. Zed would have an absolute conniption fit if he knew we were about to embark on a decorating spree of magnimous proportions before Thanksgiving, but it is what it is. We're far too festive to wait! In any case, I've been working on this paper. Jess has been wanting to decorate all stinkin' day. She finally begs KYOTKGUY for permission for me to stop working on the paper, and to be allowed to finish it tomorrow. He agreed. . . . but before we could decorate, she had a spanking to get out of the way. Now, for some odd reason, I found this hysterically funny. I busted out laughing, and the thought STILL strikes me as funny. *I* get to finish my paper late. . . . and *she* gets a spanking. *huge grin* LOL. I have no idea WHY that struck me as funny. . . . but it does. *wink* Just a bit of spanko humor from our lives.
20 November 2009
Sick
I am absolutely sick as a dog, but I be alright. :-) KYOTKGUY dropped in tonight, and I've rarely felt as comforted by his presence. Just wanted to let y'all know that I'm dancing inside. . . .
I'll get back with ya when I feel better.
I'll get back with ya when I feel better.
19 November 2009
I've Got the Joy, Joy, Joy. . . . .
Walking down this road of submission is one of the happiest and joyful experiences of my life. It's always been said that anything worth while is worth fighting for, and worth the pain. Well, in this case, it's doubly so. There are moments of frustration, anger, and pain, but those only come when I try to best KYOTKGUY in whatever fashion. When my will attempts to override his, for whatever reason or motivation, that's when I begin stumbling over the rocks in my path. When the road is smooth, though, the simplest joy of life is present. Life is easier to deal with, and this happy glow permeates to my very core. Much like the picture above, it's kinda like an easy-going lope. . . . until you stumble. Stumbling comes. . . . but when I stumble, I know that there's ALWAYS going to be someone at my side to offer his hand, stand me up, and dust me off.
First thing this morning, I was given a reminder of my submission. I was still groggy, and forming my opinion of the day. By the time I was sent on my way to begin my day, I was filled with an absolutely radiant joy and pride at being his. This feeling is bubbly and thrilled with life. . . . kinda like the wriggly joy of a puppy. I know that's an odd comparison, but picture picking up a little bitty puppy. They're wriggly and just THRILLED to be alive and in your arms. They're carefree and happy, and completely at peace. Fully open and trusting, and bursting at the seams with the essence of life. That, my friends, is how submission feels.
17 November 2009
So What's the Truth?
Wow. . . . I never thought that there would be so much variety in the responses! The thing about telling a good lie is that there must be enough truth in it to be feasible. . . . and you guys fell for quite a few of my false-hoods. You've all seen and followed my experiences, so I made my "falsies" close enough to my "realsies" that you'd have to truly KNOW the answer to figure it out.
So what's the truth? *grins* Wouldn't you like to know? Nah, I'm kidding. . . .
The truth is that I've been spanked in sub-zero weather. New York at New Year's is pretty darn COLD!!!!!!! :-D
The others?
**My favorite implement is the belt.** This one was a popular choice. Not so much. . . . There is only one person who uses a belt on me for any reason, and that's because I trust him to do so.
**I have been spanked under a full moon.** This one got nearly double the votes of any other choice. You'd thinks so, right, what with all of my outdoors and nature experience? Not so much. Stars, yep. Moon, yup. Sun, yep. FULL moon? Nope.
**I have been switched as an adult.** Nope. Hard limit. Period end of story.
**Hairbrushes are a hard limit for me.** Umm, no, not a hard limit. . . . but I hate wood. Wood is extremely intense, and often takes me close to, and beyond, the edges of my pain tolerance. The speed with which hairbrushes are typically used makes them very high on my "loathe" list. However, it's not a limit.
There ya have it! Finally, the truth!
So what's the truth? *grins* Wouldn't you like to know? Nah, I'm kidding. . . .
The truth is that I've been spanked in sub-zero weather. New York at New Year's is pretty darn COLD!!!!!!! :-D
The others?
**My favorite implement is the belt.** This one was a popular choice. Not so much. . . . There is only one person who uses a belt on me for any reason, and that's because I trust him to do so.
**I have been spanked under a full moon.** This one got nearly double the votes of any other choice. You'd thinks so, right, what with all of my outdoors and nature experience? Not so much. Stars, yep. Moon, yup. Sun, yep. FULL moon? Nope.
**I have been switched as an adult.** Nope. Hard limit. Period end of story.
**Hairbrushes are a hard limit for me.** Umm, no, not a hard limit. . . . but I hate wood. Wood is extremely intense, and often takes me close to, and beyond, the edges of my pain tolerance. The speed with which hairbrushes are typically used makes them very high on my "loathe" list. However, it's not a limit.
There ya have it! Finally, the truth!
16 November 2009
Meme Poll
I found this meme on Bonnie's blog, My Bottom Smarts. The object is to take five statements about me, and my experiences, and ensure that 4 of them are false. How well do you know me?
Four of the following statements are false. Which do you think is true?
1.) My favorite implement is the belt.
2.) I have been spanked under a full moon.
3.) I have been switched as an adult.
4.) I have been spanked in sub-zero weather.
5.) Hairbrushes are a hard limit for me.
Four of the following statements are false. Which do you think is true?
1.) My favorite implement is the belt.
2.) I have been spanked under a full moon.
3.) I have been switched as an adult.
4.) I have been spanked in sub-zero weather.
5.) Hairbrushes are a hard limit for me.
15 November 2009
Seeing Red
(Photo From Bun Beating Fun)No, I'm not talking about the red that's on a hot backside, either! You know those times you get up after a spanking, and you're just angry? You can go over someone's knee, knowing you deserved the spanking, and fully accept it, and then, when it's over, you're angry? Not just a little bit, but that spit-fire "Don't TOUCH me. . . . don't TALK to me. . . . GET AWAY FROM ME!" kinda anger. You stand up after a spanking, jerk away, and just wanna stalk off. It's that quiet, calm kind of anger. The very politely stated, "Are we finished yet?" It's simmering. . . . not explosive. It's deep, not surfacely expressed.
Are you familiar with the kind of emotion I'm talking about, yet? You're mad that it hurts, mad that you can't make it stop, mad that you have no control, mad that he would DARE spank you, and, above all, mad at yourself for landing in that position again. *wry grin* Therein, my friends, is the kicker. Mad at yourself. . . . and nary willing to admit it! Once the pain starts, this howling frustration begins to build internally. You get so frustrated with yourself because you're in pain, and you did it to your own stupid self! It could have been so simple. All you needed to do (or not do) was " fill in the blank."
It seems that we get the maddest over the smaller things. The simpler things. The things we KNOW we should have done (or not done), and it just slipped our mind. The things that we've done FOREVER, and we just forgot. Or, the things we do while we're "in a mood", and just don't don't care at the moment, and so, the consequences build, and build, and build, when in all reality, it could have been a quick and simple matter. Instead, though, it built, and built, and built, and you weren't really willing to pay that price, once you calmed down and it was time to face the music.
Then, the frustration continues to build when you can't make the pain stop. You can't get away; you're not in charge, or control, and it JUST KEEPS COMING. You shut up, grit your teeth, get through it, and it FINALLY stops.
Now, you're angry. Simmering. Enraged. SEEING RED. So, whatdya do? My favorite option is to take the heck off. Leave the general area, and run. However, that's not the best option. It's really not. . . . . running from ANYTHING never solves it. Stick around, let the blind rage moment pass, and then think. Who are you TRULY angry at? If you're honest with yourself, a small voice in the back of your head will whisper, "me". Instead of kicking yourself, just come to accept it. Allow the anger to pass, and recognize the TRUE source of the issue. . . . . yourself. YOU landed yourself in that situation, and I'm willing to bet that your spanker was VERY clear about what would land you in that situation. . . . so you have no one to blame but yourself. If you're gonna land yourself in the boat, don't get mad when it floats off. Not a very comforting thought, but a true one. Once you come to terms with that, recognize the lesson. Repeat it to yourself, and determine not to go there again. Often times, the anger will immediately fade once you understand it. It's almost like a balloon deflates, and you'll stop seeing red. . . . well, except the red that's on your backside. ;-)
13 November 2009
What Is Submission?
Tonight, long before I went to work, I was given an assignment. The first half of that was "I want you to think about your submission all night while at work." Now, I've been very submission-minded over the past two weeks. I have definitely grown in my submission, and have learned SO incredibly much. I've thought about it (almost constantly, a lot of the time), and I've delved deeper than I probably ever have. There have been days when I've been less submissive, and there have been days when I have needed more than a gentle reminder. Not to obey, but to COMPLETELY submit. Remember, I have a little issue, at times, with giving my mind.
On my break, I sat curled in a dark, quiet room de-compressing. It came to me that true submission is so much different than the image it sometimes presents. Most people automatically think of the "obedience" aspect of submission. "I tell her to do this, and she automatically does so because she is mindlessly obedient." That is the LEAST of submission. Submission has NOTHING to do with obedience, and everything to do with trust. Submission is, perhaps, trust in its purest form. It is trusting someone enough to love, guide, and protect you. . . . body, heart, soul, and mind. If you think about that concept, you'll see how much trust it truly involved. We, as humans, are, on a whole, so incredibly guarded with "us". We don't allow anyone to see what we consider to be our flaws, or our pain, for fear that they'll stop loving us. On some level, that is what it boils down to. Submission bypasses all of that. Therein is the magic. . . . by the submissive's OWN CHOICE, she opens all of herself up to be led. She willingly places her mind, body, and will in the hands of another, and trusts him to do all of the aforementioned things. He must love her, as she is. He must guide her in all things, for she has trusted him to do so, and to look out for her better interest. He must protect her, not only from the world, but from herself, and, if needed, from him.
So where does the "obedience" come in? If she trusts him to the utmost with all parts of her, there should, at the base level, be no questioning of any order. She will know with all of her being that there is a reason behind it, and that her safety, security, and well-being has been considered. Sometimes, submission is the "testing" of that trust. *simply* Obedience is the action, but submission is the spirit.
This post seems so incredibly more "mechanical" than I wanted it to. I wanted to convey the almost magical glow that comes along with submission. I wanted to convey the spark of joy, of happiness. The peaceful contentedness, and gentle, easy-going love of life. The deep, intricate connection. This post doesn't seem to come with any of those feelings, but I promise, they're there. . . . . Submission is more than words could ever be, but I've tried to answer a question I've recently been asked many times. . . . What is submission? A quote comes to mind every time I'm asked that question. . . . "Love is giving someone the power to DESTROY you, and trusting them not to." Submission, my friends, is the same.
12 November 2009
I'm Not Afraid To Fall
Sometimes, there are times in life when it seems like we're doing nothing right. When we get up of a morning, and everything we touch turns to dust, not gold. In particular, there are days in within the submission framework in which we're just "off". Our mindset is off, life presents with a million difficulties, and no matter how hard we try, we just can't get it "right".
But, my friends, I'm here today to tell you that there is no "right". Growth doesn't happen all at once, and there's not a "right" way to grow. Plateaus don't mean that you're doing something wrong, or that you're failing. It just means this lesson is taking just a wee bit longer to sink in. It means that your current frame of mind needs a little more work, and it means that victory will be sweeter in the end. One of my favorite songs says it best:
*simply* You see, in order to fall, you have to have a place to fall from. In order to plateau, there must have been noticeable progress to measure against. In order to get up, and keep going, there must be an end goal in sight. When it seems like nothing is going right, and everything you're doing is "wrong", and you're getting in trouble, after trouble, after trouble, think about the progress you've made, and how high you've climbed. Victory is sweetest when you've fought for it, and while the climb is hard, it's power to keep on keeping on that matters.
But, my friends, I'm here today to tell you that there is no "right". Growth doesn't happen all at once, and there's not a "right" way to grow. Plateaus don't mean that you're doing something wrong, or that you're failing. It just means this lesson is taking just a wee bit longer to sink in. It means that your current frame of mind needs a little more work, and it means that victory will be sweeter in the end. One of my favorite songs says it best:
I'm not afraid to fall
It means I climbed up high
To fall is not to fail
You fail when you don't try
I'm not afraid to fall
I might just learn to fly
and I will spread these wings of mine
*simply* You see, in order to fall, you have to have a place to fall from. In order to plateau, there must have been noticeable progress to measure against. In order to get up, and keep going, there must be an end goal in sight. When it seems like nothing is going right, and everything you're doing is "wrong", and you're getting in trouble, after trouble, after trouble, think about the progress you've made, and how high you've climbed. Victory is sweetest when you've fought for it, and while the climb is hard, it's power to keep on keeping on that matters.
10 November 2009
Spanking Universe
So there's a new blog up and running that everyone needs to check out and link to! Richard "Houndog" Windsor has created a new blog with an old idea. The traditional blog roll is present, but it up-dates automatically. The instant a blog has a new post, it is moved to the top of the list. You will no longer have to click through all of your favorite blogs in order to see which has updated; Spanking Universe will allow you to check all of them instantly! The cool thing about this is that it increases traffic to ALL of our blogs. So, check it out, stop by, and give a shout!
How To Get Out of a Spanking
So, last night I learned the PERFECT method of getting out of a spanking. It all starts when you tell yourself, "I don't wanna spanking." Then, you loudly and steadfastly proclaim this. When informed that you're going to be spanked anyways, just refuse to comply. Keep begging, pleading, and proclaiming your disdain for this idea. Whatever the REAL reason is that you don't want a spanking, just keep informing him that you don't want it. It'll get the job done. When he finally manages to get you over his knee, just pitch a fit. Kick, scream, fight. The harder you can squirm, the better. Keep this up, no matter what happens.
That, my friends, is a tried and true method. . . . . NOT.
Fail, Keagen. Fail. *rubs bottom* *rubs backs of legs* *winces because insides of thighs hurt* *doesn't wear jeans* *laying on stomach as I type*
Seriously, I know that was a funny account. . . . . last night. . . . . it was not. It was anything but funny. I was in some seriously funky headspace last night. I was anxious, boarding on the edge of panic, and all that I knew was that I didn't want a spanking. At all. On any level. I wasn't sure why, but I knew that I didn't want it. *simply* It took awhile to get through the funk, and it took even longer for me to recognize that I needed a spanking like that. I had been withdrawn and non-communicative. I had chosen to begin an emotional shut-down, as opposed to reaching out, as I know I should. Last night's spanking was not meant to be intense. . . . it was meant to be a gentle reminder, but my headspace was wrong. I flipped. I panicked; I fought.
Towards the end, I broke. I lay over his knee and I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. We talked for awhile, and I'm happy to say that things are better. :-) But, my friends. . . . just remember. . . . . that's NOT how to get out of a spanking.
That, my friends, is a tried and true method. . . . . NOT.
Fail, Keagen. Fail. *rubs bottom* *rubs backs of legs* *winces because insides of thighs hurt* *doesn't wear jeans* *laying on stomach as I type*
Seriously, I know that was a funny account. . . . . last night. . . . . it was not. It was anything but funny. I was in some seriously funky headspace last night. I was anxious, boarding on the edge of panic, and all that I knew was that I didn't want a spanking. At all. On any level. I wasn't sure why, but I knew that I didn't want it. *simply* It took awhile to get through the funk, and it took even longer for me to recognize that I needed a spanking like that. I had been withdrawn and non-communicative. I had chosen to begin an emotional shut-down, as opposed to reaching out, as I know I should. Last night's spanking was not meant to be intense. . . . it was meant to be a gentle reminder, but my headspace was wrong. I flipped. I panicked; I fought.
Towards the end, I broke. I lay over his knee and I sobbed, and sobbed, and sobbed. We talked for awhile, and I'm happy to say that things are better. :-) But, my friends. . . . just remember. . . . . that's NOT how to get out of a spanking.
09 November 2009
Let's Talk Spanks
So I've got a favor to ask of you guys. . . . . Rebel Grace is a friend of mine who runs a blog called Let's Talk Spanks. It details her thoughts, her love, and her life. However, recently, Gracie has had a wonderful change to her life. . . . Jamie. She feels that her blog name is no longer correct, as she is beginning to embark on a DD, and growing, D/s relationship. Please go and vote on her name change! She could use all the help she can get, for she has some wonderful options!
08 November 2009
Lessons Learned
Lesson Number I don't even know has come about as a result of Day Ten. Yesterday was a rough day for me. I was struggling with some issues that seemed overbearing and huge, and, for awhile, I refused to contact KYOTKGUY. I was anxiety ridden, and didn't think that I'd be able to deal with it. . . . . and I knew that he'd force me to work through it. I was scared about having to deal with the anxiety and underlying issues, and I just didn't WANT to deal with it. Not to mention. . . . . I didn't want to present with "issues". I decided that I was able to deal on my own, and I quickly, and impulsively, and dangerously, did so. *looks down* I had allowed my thoughts to override my submission, and I acted of MY will, and out of MY comfort zone. I DID act out of fear and impulsion. . . . but I DID have the thought that I should contact him, and I chose to override it.
The lesson from yesterday was that I don't get to selectively submit. *looks up* I knew that I was expected to contact him if I were struggling, and I chose not to. I wasn't spanked for doing what I did. . . . but I was paddled for not reaching out when I knew I was supposed to, and for not mentally submitting. I chose to disregard his thought that he could help me through it, and I took the easy way out. I allowed my thoughts, and my will, to attempt to override his.
I am learning that being able to express my submission is a gift that KYOTKGUY gives me, in and of its own right. He has accepted the gift of MY submission, and he turns around and gives me the gift of being able to express it. I don't always express it the way I wish I could, although I am learning. . . . . at times, quite painfully. Yesterday was a speedbump. . . . but the lesson was driven home, and it's one that I hope is never repeated. The lesson that was learned is one that I've been struggling with for awhile. I have a very strong "control" side. . . . and the passive aggressive side of me says, "Well, don't actively fight. . . . be passive! Just gently disreguard, or be civilly disobedient." Which is, at its core. . . . . disobedience. Selective submission is not complete submission, nor would I want it to be. The past 10 days (today is day 11), I have learned so incredibly much about what my submission means. I have learned about love, acceptance, and acknowledgment. I have learned about life, and how much stronger it makes me to be able to be led. Those lessons have been ongoing for months, and they're ones that I've realized, but haven't truly focused on, and recognized, until recently.
You see. . . . . when I lead myself, or assume control, I do so out of fear, or what seems as necessity. I do so with a wariness of "I doubt his ability to lead me." Whether that is a conscious thought, or not. . . . it's there. When I allow myself to be led, the fear, the wariness, is gone. My strength is made complete through my submission. When I submit, I show not who the rest of the world needs to see, but I show me, as I am. Therein, my friends, lies the magic of submission.
The lesson from yesterday was that I don't get to selectively submit. *looks up* I knew that I was expected to contact him if I were struggling, and I chose not to. I wasn't spanked for doing what I did. . . . but I was paddled for not reaching out when I knew I was supposed to, and for not mentally submitting. I chose to disregard his thought that he could help me through it, and I took the easy way out. I allowed my thoughts, and my will, to attempt to override his.
I am learning that being able to express my submission is a gift that KYOTKGUY gives me, in and of its own right. He has accepted the gift of MY submission, and he turns around and gives me the gift of being able to express it. I don't always express it the way I wish I could, although I am learning. . . . . at times, quite painfully. Yesterday was a speedbump. . . . but the lesson was driven home, and it's one that I hope is never repeated. The lesson that was learned is one that I've been struggling with for awhile. I have a very strong "control" side. . . . and the passive aggressive side of me says, "Well, don't actively fight. . . . be passive! Just gently disreguard, or be civilly disobedient." Which is, at its core. . . . . disobedience. Selective submission is not complete submission, nor would I want it to be. The past 10 days (today is day 11), I have learned so incredibly much about what my submission means. I have learned about love, acceptance, and acknowledgment. I have learned about life, and how much stronger it makes me to be able to be led. Those lessons have been ongoing for months, and they're ones that I've realized, but haven't truly focused on, and recognized, until recently.
You see. . . . . when I lead myself, or assume control, I do so out of fear, or what seems as necessity. I do so with a wariness of "I doubt his ability to lead me." Whether that is a conscious thought, or not. . . . it's there. When I allow myself to be led, the fear, the wariness, is gone. My strength is made complete through my submission. When I submit, I show not who the rest of the world needs to see, but I show me, as I am. Therein, my friends, lies the magic of submission.
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